A King and His Wall

photo credit: Sreejit Poole
photo credit: Sreejit Poole

With my own two hands
I dug this hole of loneliness
And now it seems I can’t escape
From the tunnels in which I find myself
Scraping and clawing for a little human contact
But unable to communicate
And unwilling to learn
Demanding you come to me
Even knowing that you will get burned

I’m not talking about the existentialist human condition
I’m talking about my own decision
To live in such a world where my own vision is the only vision
It’s not wisdom, it’s despotism
Of my lower nature over my greater good
I want to be misunderstood
I want to be left alone
There’s no need to psychoanalyze
I’m a King with no subjects
Born into a Kingdom with no land
Do you understand?
I can’t deal with other people
Can’t be told what to do
Can’t suffer fools though I am a fool
Silence is the only tool I have to draw the line
This is yours and this is mine
But you don’t understand
So, silence…

Sometimes moving to if ‘only-ness’
Supposedly a reflection on what could have been
But more self-pity than what should have been
Peace of mind is always a challenge
When lonely is the fight to find ourselves
No one can help us with this struggle
To overcome the turmoil of our own personality
You can talk to me
And help me to see
But it is not my understanding that is the problem here
It’s my attachment to my bad habits
Self-pity and Fear
Self-pity, the unending cycle of the ‘I’m not good enough’ thought
And Fear, the unwillingness to claim the truth, that I am worthy of love

What a tragedy when I came to realize
That I had become the person that I most despised in others
Before I was twenty I was putting on a show of my own supposed happiness
And I really believed that you couldn’t make me angry even if you tried
But in my twenties I built up a wall
So that you would know I was an adult
You couldn’t take me for granted
Or, I’d just let you have it
You should understand this isn’t a joke

I built up a fiery wall
That no one would dare to cross
Like Machiavelli, I thought
Better to be feared than loved
Even Tupac knew this philosophical law
Spent most of my thirties trying to tear down that wall
But the deconstruction is much harder to do
As the anger and the solitude is easier to deal with
Than the pain of me and you

Some days I feel as if I hate everybody
And other days I think it’s just you
Common sense relegated to a pretense
That you mention to show you understand it
But dare not use it
Rather abuse it
And inflame the hate in this savage

Other days, I can see only love
And get chocked up on tears at the mere thought of it
Able to stand only so much
Of a feeling I got used to living without

Unable to cry for maybe 10 years
Unable to back down for much longer
And now this warrior I’ve turned myself into
Is making becoming human again that much harder
So, have patience or not
I’m on my own road
At my own pace
And in my own flow
And if one day we shall come together again
Maybe by that day I’ll have learned
That together or not
In ‘forever’ or not
It’s not only My bridges I’ve burned

7 Comments

  1. I really liked this piece! Expresses many of the feelings that many of us have. The desire to reach out yet needing alone time and the struggle that ensues! Awesome!

    Like

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