In Search of My Own Humanity

photo credit: Sreejit Poole
photo credit: Sreejit Poole

What is this illogical anger?
Feels embedded inside like a biological danger
A cancer eating away at my frail peace of mind
And oddly sublime when I choose the right place and right time
For a victory lap of my ego over yours
Adding insult to insult and closing all doors
To the world surrounding my heart where I forbid you to enter
Where I will hunker down and never surrender
I escape alone to my anger’s hangout
Doesn’t matter how much you scream or you shout
For I’ll never open the doors so just go away
Or at least try your methods on some other day

And this anger resting inside?
Nurtured and cared for by my weary pride
Can’t remember a time when it wasn’t making noise
Begging to come out and play with the boys
And me begging it to just go away
Because I know it comes a lot quicker than it goes
And everyone around just walks on their toes
Not knowing if today is the day
That I’ll let my anger come out to play

I’m not trying to be logical
It doesn’t mesh with my routine
Neither philosophical nor ideological
Though I’m a little systematic in pathologic tendencies
I’m
Purely emotion driven
Don’t come at me with your arguments
I don’t care
Don’t want to care
Just looking to find what’s missing from my life
Not trying to hide under the covers of your delusions
Have enough of my own
So don’t worry
Don’t try to save me
I see it in your eyes
Another ‘what you gonna get out of me today’
Let’s not play
Let’s be very clear
I’m trying to ignore you
Work with me here
Can’t we agree to not talk
Even that is too much
Fine but you know what happens if you push it
If you make me say what I was holding in
Got an anger streak
That can’t compare
If you push it a little
I’m happy to share
But I love you too much
To give it unasked
But…
If you ask, and you ask, and you ask, and you ask…
I’m happy to oblige

I’m sorry
I know you’re tired of hearing that
But not as tired as I am of feeling it
Come on, I don’t come to work to be harassed
What do you mean this isn’t work?
Life is work
Relationship is work
Friendship is work
And not even really a friendship is work
And if the only expense is my weak peace of mind
Then I guess we’ll be doing this day in and day out
For we have only each other till this scene moves me away
To another dilemma on some other day
And surely I’ll find
That I have the same illogical side
That cares only for my own egotistical pride
Wish I could escape it but it seems to be my best friend
Till I’m dead, fighting myself
Till the bitter end

11 Comments

  1. Oh yes! Although not mentioned sex is the easy part, relationship is the hard work, even if sex is not a part. But the relationship is for ever, whatever form it takes. Love, David

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  2. “Till the bitter end.” – sadly so. 🙂 hey, i so love your title and also, how the poetry is able to deliver the point in soft yet firm verses. thank you for sharing.

    am thinking, you must have had (and still do have) a hard life. i sympathize and hope that one day, some days, will be better… warm regards from the SEA tropics. 🙂 ~san

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