This is not
a love letter,
don’t you see my
eyes redder?
I’m standing in your path –
don’t give that
side-ways glance
– I want the full look,
and the smile too,
and a few words about
how it’s this hard
for you.

I know it’s
kind of late to ask
with so much
time put in
and the damage done –
but is above
really better
or more of the same
lessons I don’t want
to learn,
no time to burn
but I’ll waste it
all the same.

Cleaned up my heart
and I left the door open
but only dust is
rushing in,
and now you’re leaving
and I’m checking out
– mentally – tired of crying
mentally –
and now
it’s showing
on the outside.

This is not
a love letter,
it’s a depression letter –
I got this man’s menopause-
heat flashes and crying –
not a midlife crisis,
I’ve already had 3 of those
and I’m only 39.
Knowing you
makes everything
more intense.

The lump in my throat
grows and grows –
suffocating on
a knowledge that
knows the woes –
you’re leaving –
my will,
will shut down
until you return.
Every good bye
deserves a good cry
but I’m tired of
no reason
but the season
for an emotional breakdown –
this emotional letdown.
Where’s my little
eye contact?
Why so
stingy
with your love
when one look
will make everything
better?

Spiritual path?
Contentment?
Check that
— my heart’s an
artifact
on display
in this shell
of a body.

This is not
a love story,
it’s a death story –
death to all
the dreams
that are unreal,
in search of
the shining truth.
Who knew
searching
would involve this much
working –
this much
hurting –
this much
struggle just to smile?
You knew.

You knew,
that is why
a simple smile
is now a spiritual practice –
a meaningful way
to integrate
your love
into a struggle –
a struggle
that won’t end
until the real truth
is reached.
This is not
knowledge taught
but love
wholly caught.

This is not
a love letter,
it’s a tear shedder –
just hold me
because I don’t want
to be alone.

17 Comments

  1. Wow that is really intense and now I have read more about you it makes my mind reel with questions when I try to relate this poem to your life’s choices because this is surely about you? Or am I being too personal? X

    Like

  2. WOW!!!!!!!!This says it exactly the way love sometimes feels, in this situation. I like the repetition of “this is not a love letter”……..this is powerful and true, and human and very real. An awesome write!

    Like

  3. This is so raw, deep, painful and beautifully written, Sreejit. There are so many parts that move me…but this is heartbreaking…
    Why so
    stingy
    with your love
    when one look
    will make everything
    better?

    Like

  4. Very powerful and evocative. The emotions are really raw and powerful, stinging even in the eyes of the reader. It speaks out a lot about the reasons why certain relationships break down and the heartache that ensues. Brilliantly penned.

    Like

  5. I visited Ma in New Mexico when my oldest was just a baby. I felt Her love that lifted my fears, if only long enough to breathe fresh air. But I go back to that feeling often, and I am uplifted. Thank you for your tribute!

    Like

  6. Oh my wow… I saw this link at the bottom of my last post here. So while this is a few years old, I am seeing it for the first time. How wide open… how full of everything this piece is. I love it all, but then there’s this… “Cleaned up my heart and I left the door open, but only dust is rushing in” … and “is above really better” … and “love wholly caught”… and… ugh… it all has such a complete depth to it that I’d be copying and pasting virtually every line here. Lol Love it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This was actually the second poem I ever published on the blog though, I later republished it so the date isn’t it’s original publication. Before starting the blog I only wrote prose or songs so this is actually the second straight poem with no music required that I ever wrote. The first was Gypsy Soup, which may not be on the blog anymore because I added it to the book compilation. A Couple of Brats, about me and my sister, was the third – if you need a laugh.

      Liked by 1 person

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