She walked up to me, looked me dead in the eye and said, “I heard you like me, is that true?” What could I answer?
I could have told her that I thought about her night and day, and that every conversation I had with my friends was about her. I could have told her that for me we are together as I wander through fantasy off to sleep and that I wake up wondering if this next day will bear witness to any passing moments of eye contact or forced conversation. But I just stared at her. The blood was rushing to my brain, and I couldn’t think clearly. All I wanted to do was shout, “yes I love you,” but something was holding me back. What was it?
This was the moment that would define my life, because I can trace all of my actions back to this inability to open my mouth and wonder if I had said, “yes, I love you” would everything have changed. Would I not have ended up living the last 21 years in an ashram if I had said yes on this day?
I can still feel the gym’s plastic floor beneath my feet as we lined up to leave; the smell of sweat and careless laughter filling the air. Single file was how everything was run there. They had to keep us in line but they were friendly, enough. They wanted us to grow in a loving environment, but there has always been the in crowd and the out crowd, and how was this girl from the in crowd, the most beautiful girl I knew, coming and asking me if I liked her? Frozen in that moment I can still see my place.
I was near the front of the line because I was a wiped “company boy” following all the rules meticulously. She came from the back of the line to find me. I felt the soft touch of her hand against my bare arm and turning to see her looking up towards me I panicked. It was just a simple question. “I heard you like me, is that true?”
A simple question but not such a simple answer, for Fate had already claimed me as her own. I hadn’t realized it yet, but yes, God is a Jealous God. There would be no room for deviation for Fate had her own plans and even at age eight, playing with my third grade class, I would not be able to admit to such worldly sentiments, and tell my childhood crush that I needed her.
As the other kids’ screams and laughter filled the air, I just stared. And as my eight year-old sweet heart waited for an answer, I knew that I could not say yes. For Fate was waiting for me and together we would make our own beautiful world; she would become my muse, my all in all, my reason to live. And even in that gym, with the dim lights and the screaming children, I could not tell that girl yes because Fate already had her arms around me.
Written for Writing 101: Room with a view, to take a journey. I decided to take a journey back to a moment in time.