It wasn’t so much that nothing was right with her life as it was that she knew she walked it without meaning. She used to call it, “carefree.” Now, she knew that this name was too easy. Now, she knew that she was free from anyone who cared. Now, she knew that no one even noticed she was there. She was depressed and it was enough if she just put one foot in front of the other. That’s what her therapist said anyways; trying to keep her alive another day.
Her therapist told her about the vision board, directing her to an article by Martha Beck that taught, “Step One: Cut out pictures of things you love. Step Two: Paste them onto paper. Step Three: Realize your life’s ambition?”
Ambition? In a vision? For her Step One was just getting out of bed. Step Two: turn on Tupac and proceed to bob the head. If by chance she got that far in her day she would let herself celebrate with Step Three: light one up and forget your cares away.
She knew Tupac’s vision when he said, “I can picture you in heaven with a blunt and a brew.” For she knew this too that forgetting was the fast track on the road to stopping the pain. Don’t need any vision board or any ambition when I got a 40 oz. I can put down that kinda wisdom.
She ripped out the umbilical cord connecting herself to her ancestors and let pain and despair become her new masters. Now she was living like that father in Lil’ Frank’s Poem seeing herself “in the background, out of focus.”
As she lit one up she started philosophizing within herself. Why does my hi-road always turn bitter as if I had forced it there? Why do thoughts in silence ruin everything I hold dear? Why is my first Impulse to do the right thing so weak and why does the slow and steady work of negativity cause its retreat?
The company we keep is so important it seems as we either rise or fall depending on to what it is we cling. We stand waiting for a savior to guide us when every choice we make starts from deep inside us. Thoughts leading us on a downward spiral consuming all good in the world sometimes can be chased away by things like two lips curled, or idle chit chat that lets us know we’re not alone, or listening to the breath of a loved one on the phone.
We never know if the person before us is living on the edge. We could be the one to push them over or to pull them back instead. Lack of vision can be the difference between life and death sometimes. Though this world may not be paradise it is yours and it is mine. What we do with it? Now, that is the question.
check out: http://teampharrell.net