Do you have that friend that only loves you when there is nobody else around more interesting than you?  I have a friend like that.  I have too much love for them but, I’m just not cool enough.  But while I have someone who is like that to me, I also must be like that to so many others.  We all have a certain amount of love that we are willing to give and when those that we want to give it to aren’t around, we have a little bit extra for the peons of whom we are willing to throw a few scraps.

As one of my oldest friends, Kannan, used to say, “We are all the Gods and Goddesses of our own lives.”   We all decide what kind of world we are going to create around us by what we are willing to give to our surroundings.  In most part, we are pretty stingy with our love.  Not all of us.  We all know who the truly selfless people are, but most of us are tight fisted.  I myself am downright miserly.

My sister was just yesterday telling that I am just an all or nothing kind of guy.  She was not referring to the love that I am willing or not to give, but I will apply it.  I’m not mean to anyone (that doesn’t deserve it), but open hearted love… that is something else.

I don’t know how it is for you, but I make rules in my mind that I don’t share with anyone else and if you don’t follow those rules then I have very little time for you.  The world that I’ve made up is a world where everyone doesn’t have to be friends.  All personalities just don’t match, and some are just not meant to be together.  Is that cold blooded, or snobbish?  Maybe.

I have all kinds of rules.  Because I am a man, I have strict standards of what it means to be a man.  If you don’t meet those standards then it is very hard for me to get past it.  With friends, it doesn’t come up that much, but with work I am very serious, and it is near impossible for me to work with people that don’t meet my standards.  Of course, I work every day with people that don’t measure up to my strict calculations, but they are brutalized mercilessly in my mind.

I also have rules on sharing, and cleaning up after yourself, and not needing to be asked to help out, and not yelling my name randomly just to see if I’m around, and wow, how did I become like this?

No matter what religion or atheist or agnostic philosophy we abide in, we are all pretty much down with the idea of needing more love in the world.  So why do we keep it locked up safely inside?

I told you all of my neurotic tendencies for not sharing the love, what are yours?

 

Featured image via http://www.wallpaperhere.com

21 Comments

  1. The love I show or sometimes even feel is effected by my highly introverted nature, by growing up in the army where either your friends left or you did so why bother, and by being raised in a family that kept everything pent up inside. My mother said as a child I only had one friend at a time and when they left I would be devastated. While I do have more friends now, in some ways I am still very much a loner.

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  2. This is what I woke up feeling, similar words reeling through my brain before I saw them written here waiting for me to find. Thank you.

    I am a woman and you and I share that commonality of inflexibility in regards to compromising standards of behavior, Loving others can be so difficult at times when the behaviours of your lovers isn’t reflected back at you or even back at the world around them. When they become sink-holes of energy and time and overly comfortable being the object of your affection.

    Other reasons for locking down the love include a blown-out sense of unworthiness to be loved. A lack of self-care that prevents me from remembering that things and people are much better/brighter than they seem.

    Also, see lack of coffee and lack of sleep.

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  3. Love hurts, and too many times I have given love to those that only use it against me, I have grown cold, cynical and deep down afraid, for I have realized that at times I have learned too much from those that have hurt me and I have given that same pain to others. Yet I am created in God’s Image and God is love, so the closer I get to God, the more I repent and God heals, the more I imitate What God has shown me and the easier it is to love without expecting a return on my investment.

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    1. True that other languages better relate the boundaries of love and the english language can get that all messed up through placing too much of a burden on one word. We are love all unconditionally, yet there are limits to how we demonstrate this love to others. The way I have viewed it is that you love God first and then share what God returns to you as much as you can, which is a hard order because God gives til our cup runneth over

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  4. I’ve chosen to remain open in love to those who may need it. Sometimes when I’m hurt I find it easier to close off but then feel I’m going against who I am and the energy taken to close off is a lot more painful. So I’m trying to remain open yet discerning if that makes sense.

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  5. The rules you mention are just your sense of appropriation, it’s the most common way for a person to vet a friend, similar appropriation. And if a person happens to have a similar quirk to us on the matter, it endears them no end. But that niggling feeling you have is correct, you are discounting a whole bunch of potential friends because they don’t fit a certain ideal. I tried to rid myself of preconceived notions and judgements a few years ago, if an elderly man on a train started chatting to me I wouldn’t just smile and pretend I couldn’t hear over my music anymore, I would listen and engage. If a disabled person started talking to me at the grocery store I stopped frantically searching for their ‘carer’ and just engaged. My life is a whole lot more interesting because of it 🙂

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  6. Hmm… I am an “all or nothing” person, but my measures are different. I will always look past the faults and negatives that are apparent in a person (though I do make mental note of that which I should). I will always extend kindness, compassion and love… and most times it is not warranted, earned or even deserved. This is a gift and a curse in its own right; the former because it gives me a unique ability to relate to others, bringing their guard down and often serving as a resting place for weary spirits; the latter because I am also a very sensitive individual, who in turn has a very difficult time finding this same source of comfort and acceptance in others. It took me many years to get past the need to receive what I give. So, now, the “all” I give is through eyes of love… always seeking the best in others; understanding that everyone has a history and a shaping beyond initial understanding; and knowing that my soul is aligned to pour out and do its part in this world, even though this world supplies very little in return of like kind. However, to the same degree that I will see you first as someone to love and understand, I will shield the most intimate places of my heart from accessibility. I will question every motive, every move, every nuance, when the love on the line is the very deepest of my own… my own private reserve designed divinely for me. It’s like two levels of existence in one. I am so free and abundant “from a distance” because that is safe and guarded, and though risks are still involved, the potential collateral damage is acceptable. The bruises of spiritual love are bearable. I consider it the primary charge of God. Still, to hold such a disposition towards the “outer circle” begs so much more of the “inner circle” in my life. Nothing is unquestionable, infallible, left unchallenged – if not verbally, mentally and emotionally – because this realm of my being is the most precious, most delicate and most powerful when unleashed. Friends fall somewhere in the middle, earning a certain level of devotion, but falling short of both blind love and my heart’s depths because I know both their darkest secrets and their inability to be to me what I am to them. With me, you are either welcomed whole-heartedly with judgment abandoned and love overflowing or you are constantly and carefully examined with extreme discretion against the highest of standards… all depending on which part of my world you wish to share.

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    1. Yes – you understand so well! And you’ve pointed out something I hadn’t quite wrapped my head around… the draw I have on others which they don’t fully understand. Sometimes I don’t get the disconnect, but worded the way you’ve put it, it makes total sense. I am sharing a light that I love and enjoy sharing, but the responses – though positive – are not from the same depth, quality or intention. While frustrating, I push on… but yes – you’ve nailed it on the head. Great observation, thank you.

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  7. I fail at love–literally. I aspire to be one person who loves all without any reservation but I am wounded and don’t trust others (yet) so I shrink back and am not able to give as I would like. General love should be easy as long as I don’t judge and I try not to..but I find myself holding back. I want to give without thinking but it is habit. I guess the best example for me is the story of the prodigal’s son from the bible…if I can get to where I rejoice in my brother’s return without thinking of how he skipped out on helping me all that time, etc (lol) then I know I have reached the unconditional love test. Sometimes I’m there and sometimes not.

    I think you are being too honest about yourself—you seem so open and loving but then again we all see ourselves differently than what others see. I try to be unselfish but I still feel that urge of selfish desire at times…it’s a flaw…one of my many 😀

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    1. Thanks, Sreejit. I think I need to also focus on getting through the nasty comments from my blog post–if I make it today and tomorrow 🙂 . What happened to humility? Why are people too proud? I don’t understand. Things change when we walk our faith which in my option is love. Thanks for your writings and your outlook on life 🙂 .

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      1. Thanks…I really needed that! 🙂 Another flaw.. caring what people think..one day I will get over it and move on 😀 . Thanks for being honest and forthcoming. I will do my best to get through. I was trying to comment on your post last night when I got notification that Alabama was trying to put a hold on same sex marriage so I was passionately enraged 🙂 and wrote that blog post before returning to comment. Each of us has to come to terms with things along the way on our journey. I was hoping that people would read and think about the consequences but they just shut the door. Oh well. I’ve never fit in so why should I start now? 😀 Take care.

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  8. I really never thought about this… I think I love everyone, but tend to keep away from difficult people… I forgive those that have wronged me, but I will not associate with them again. I don’t think I hold a grudge, but I tend to lock myself in my own little world and prefer to do many things on my own… I like my life with one or two good friends in it instead of many that pretend to care and actually don’t… I also deal better with the world once I have one or two cups of coffee in me…

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    1. Actually you have made me think about it. Yes I have had a fear of people reading my thoughts for a long time. I used to believe if someone sat close enough to touch me they would know what I am thinking. In fact I was unable to share my poetry for a long while then because people would read my thoughts. Lol.

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  9. I wish that we didn’t have to have these outer masks that hide or guard our true selves from others. I was reading through all of the comments and it seems like so many people have a sort of double identity, their true selves and their outer face to the world. I have to admit that my outer face is very different to who I am inside and that is because I don’t feel safe to show my true self. I have always felt restricted in this way, what would people think if I was truly myself? I live such a ‘regular’ existence and I hide behind ‘fitting in’. It’s not me and I find it hard to make friends (that I have a true connection with) because of this. The world can be such a cruel place and in order to get along in it, we all have to conform to a certain degree. The inside me is full of love for people and a desire to make people feel accepted and cared for but like someone said earlier, when you don’t feel this reciprocated and sometimes feel like kindness is viewed as weakness, it makes it harder to show your kindness. It just gets hidden away behind the mask.

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  10. There are so many types of love – friendship, romantic/emotional, family, sexual/physical, and unconditional love. Loving can make us very vulnerable. Fear can make us lock love away. I don’t make up rules in my head; at least not consciously. I do not think all personalities mesh, and it isn’t possible to feel loving toward everyone all of the time. Unconditional love is probably the most difficult to give, except possibly as a parent for a child.

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