Quiet Steps of Intention

by Abbie of Sidereal Catalyst

 

Knowing how you fit in this world, knowing without question that your time on planet earth is
meaningful, living as though your life’s quest is to fulfill the purpose for which you are here and
walking through life with the dignity of that knowledge feeding your strength, is my
understanding of what ‘living a life of intention’ means.

warrior-of-love-11
Some go through life with very clear intentions, that vary only slightly as they traverse life’s winding roads.  Others are overflowing with purpose and commit to many meaningful things throughout their journey on our planet.  We’ve all met those who wander rather aimlessly, an obvious fear of commitment though not without purpose – perhaps less willing to advertise their heart’s quest and life journey?

Once upon a time I was bursting with passion and intention! Chomping at the bit, awaiting my chance to unleash all I had to offer into the universe like a million magical butterflies all taking flight at once!  I wore naivety like an invisibility cloak, an immortal warrior of dignified intention, believing all people were inherently good and love was everybody’s purpose.

butterfly-banner

I recently had my third major depressive episode.  Everything I was, everything I believed in before that, it all disappeared – the ash and dust of a raging wildfire is all that remains.

From the ashes came love, small and fragmented, but beneath the rubble it was there.  I slowly started moving, assessing the full damage.  Those little fragments, they’re all I have to start a new foundation.  They are different than before; definitions have been altered, pieces are missing and some are burnt beyond recognition.  But I will always walk with love guiding my spirit, just on a much smaller scale than I once believed to be my purpose.

I fight the urge to die every single day.  Every. Single. Day.  But the love I have for my husband, for my parents and for a very few select others keep my feet moving, one in front of the other.  The pain IS more than I can bear.  I do believe that whatever future I may have is not worth what THIS is – whatever it is that’s going on in my brain now.  But LOVE keeps me alive.  I could not bear causing pain to those who have stood by me through this, who choose to love me despite this darkness – life-undilutedto those whom I love.  My love for them is fierce and loyal, they chose me and I don’t take that lightly.

Life undiluted burned my naivety to ash.  Beaten, bruised, confused, misused, abandoned, robbed, naked, and barely conscious – left to collect the shattered pieces of my resolve, scattered in the dark corners of my nightmares.  I’m no longer confident as to what my purpose is.

The rhyme to my reason is traveling a passage so dark visibility is null and I wonder if this has become my intended path.  Perhaps I had become too reliant on vision and the journey is guiding me toward healing my resolve and reconnecting with my true intention.  Embrace the darkness, explore my life and experiences through less practiced senses.

walk-with-intention

 

QASyGa92Abbie of Sidereal Catalyst

I write because my thoughts flow with more continuity through a pen onto paper in the quiet moments by myself.  I write because most people don’t understand the raw and undiluted pain that seeps from my pores.  I build a fortress of words as bricks to surround and protect myself, as my words can never be stripped from me.

 

 

 

Written for Walking With Intention.  If you’d like to be a part of the challenge, find more info here: Walking With Intention.  But first, leave a comment and let Abbie know how you feel about what she said, and be sure to visit her over at Sidereal Catalyst when you’re done.

 

35 Comments

  1. Thank you Abbie for sharing your struggle with us. I know that you are a fighter, and with love for your family you will keep moving forward, but still want to say how happy I am to be a part of your online community. I also walk with the hope that there must be a purpose to the darkness we find all around us. All we can do is try our best to be the love that we need in this world.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for letting me be a guest here, Sreejit, I am honored. I, too, am happy to be part of your community 🙂 I am thankful for the kind and wonderful people I have found here!

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  2. ((((Abbie))), you are brave. I suspect you suffer from a chemical depression, but perhaps a book I read recently would be helpful? I reviewed it on my site: “Beauty as a State of Being”. I highly recommend it to anyone looking to live a life of intention. Peace to you, C

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Abbie, your post is moving. Depression is such an overwhelming state and trying to navigate this life with that added weight is no small feat. You are fortunate to be able to recognize the love that you have in your life to keep you going. So many people feel that they have nothing to hold on to, no hope. My best thoughts and prayers go to you. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for reading. I often feel like I have no hope, but luckily those moments pass eventually. The feelings and symptoms are easier to recognize the longer you deal with them, it doesn’t make them easier, but if you can recognize that your brain is lying to you the moment may pass more quickly. It’s just something you learn to live with, some days worse than others. I appreciate your kind thoughts and words. 🙂

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  4. Moving post. Thank you for sharing. I was touched by your comment that you love your family so fierce that you do not want to hurt them. I hope you find each day a little better than the day before. There is hope and purpose in life, or at least I like to think so. And maybe your writing is your purpose-to help someone else not feel alone?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would like to think there is more purpose in my life that I can see right now, but writing is definitely part of that purpose. I would love for my words to help someone else who is struggling, for this is not something I wish on anyone. I truly appreciate your reading and taking the time to comment, thank you for the kind words!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. It helps having you in my heart, cheering me on and being my spirit dino-girl 🙂 thank you for all of the love, support, guidance, tech support, etc, etc… xoxoxoxoxo

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  5. “I walk with the hope that something will come out of this darkness…” That is such a huge message. That is how I use to live back in my teenage years. Back when I was depressed, angry and feeling hopeless. I fought hard in keep my faith in God and hoped that all the darkness I was feeling would one day clear up and allow me to see and live in the light. You write so eloquently about your struggles and you make it rather easy to relate and to go back to a time where I felt the same way. It does take time and patience, hope and love, but one day you will realize just exactly what your purpose is. xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think in one way or another we’ve all been burned to ashes. We have to pick up our pieces and rise above if we can, you know? There’s definitely nothing wrong with wandering, each of us has to find our own way through this life 🙂 Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Thanks, Lizzi, you have been such an incredible friend. Whenever I think I just can’t do it, you hold my hand and guide me through. Thank you. Much love to you, dearest!

    Like

  7. It’s obvious to me you are brave and strong, no matter how you feel. Thankyou for sharing your everyday intentions, valuable focus and essential tools for continuing. A gentle reminder for me to reset my intention each day. xx

    Liked by 2 people

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