Quiet Steps of Intention
Knowing how you fit in this world, knowing without question that your time on planet earth is
meaningful, living as though your life’s quest is to fulfill the purpose for which you are here and
walking through life with the dignity of that knowledge feeding your strength, is my
understanding of what ‘living a life of intention’ means.
Some go through life with very clear intentions, that vary only slightly as they traverse life’s winding roads. Others are overflowing with purpose and commit to many meaningful things throughout their journey on our planet. We’ve all met those who wander rather aimlessly, an obvious fear of commitment though not without purpose – perhaps less willing to advertise their heart’s quest and life journey?
Once upon a time I was bursting with passion and intention! Chomping at the bit, awaiting my chance to unleash all I had to offer into the universe like a million magical butterflies all taking flight at once! I wore naivety like an invisibility cloak, an immortal warrior of dignified intention, believing all people were inherently good and love was everybody’s purpose.
I recently had my third major depressive episode. Everything I was, everything I believed in before that, it all disappeared – the ash and dust of a raging wildfire is all that remains.
From the ashes came love, small and fragmented, but beneath the rubble it was there. I slowly started moving, assessing the full damage. Those little fragments, they’re all I have to start a new foundation. They are different than before; definitions have been altered, pieces are missing and some are burnt beyond recognition. But I will always walk with love guiding my spirit, just on a much smaller scale than I once believed to be my purpose.
I fight the urge to die every single day. Every. Single. Day. But the love I have for my husband, for my parents and for a very few select others keep my feet moving, one in front of the other. The pain IS more than I can bear. I do believe that whatever future I may have is not worth what THIS is – whatever it is that’s going on in my brain now. But LOVE keeps me alive. I could not bear causing pain to those who have stood by me through this, who choose to love me despite this darkness – to those whom I love. My love for them is fierce and loyal, they chose me and I don’t take that lightly.
Life undiluted burned my naivety to ash. Beaten, bruised, confused, misused, abandoned, robbed, naked, and barely conscious – left to collect the shattered pieces of my resolve, scattered in the dark corners of my nightmares. I’m no longer confident as to what my purpose is.
The rhyme to my reason is traveling a passage so dark visibility is null and I wonder if this has become my intended path. Perhaps I had become too reliant on vision and the journey is guiding me toward healing my resolve and reconnecting with my true intention. Embrace the darkness, explore my life and experiences through less practiced senses.
I write because my thoughts flow with more continuity through a pen onto paper in the quiet moments by myself. I write because most people don’t understand the raw and undiluted pain that seeps from my pores. I build a fortress of words as bricks to surround and protect myself, as my words can never be stripped from me.
Written for Walking With Intention. If you’d like to be a part of the challenge, find more info here: Walking With Intention. But first, leave a comment and let Abbie know how you feel about what she said, and be sure to visit her over at Sidereal Catalyst when you’re done.