A plan… A healing process…
I looked up the word intention because it was unclear what the word meant. I often get into arguments with people based on their actions and they always reply, “But my intentions were there.” The hardest part about it is that there is no way for me to see another person’s intention. Of course, I could assume, but we all know that makes an ass out of you and me (cliché was inserted here). There is no way to measure intention or to verify it was there, so my reply was, “If you’re intention was really there then you would have done it. Intention does not matter where actions cannot speak.”
I looked up the word intention because it was unclear what the word meant. I was surprised when the definition “a thing intended; an aim or plan” was accompanied by another definition that I never heard before, but certainly one I was more inclined to accept. Under the subtitle medicine, the word was defined as “the healing process of a wound” and I have never been so touched on a definition before.
The healing process of a wound. In other words, we often get hurt when we make ourselves vulnerable. The hurt lingers making us hesitant to be vulnerable because we fear how the person would react. We ponder on whether or not we should do what we want to do and talk ourselves out of it. Our fear eliminates our actions and all we are left with are intentions that go unnoticed.
I use to tell my parents I loved them every time before getting off the phone, but to many replies of “Okay, talk to you later” instead of an “I love you too” caused me to stop saying it. Now I wonder if they could tell that I loved them. If they look at me and say “Well, she shows her love so we know it is there.” You know, the same old lame excuse they used to give me when I would ask them why they would never say it back. The same words that hurt me without them realizing that their intention to make me feel loved and cared for were the same ones that caused the feelings of neglect. I was angry because they could have used the same breath they used to explain why they did not see the reason to say that they loved me to say “I love you too.”
The other day my mother told me that she missed the old hand made cards I used to make her in school where I expressed how much I loved her holding my hand while I sleep, wrapping her legs around me, asking me to watch novellas with her, making any dish I asked for in the very moment I asked. I realized that our relationship had changed. Although these intimate physical moments do not happen because I am in college in New York and she is in Florida, we have become intimate in other ways. Like in the way our conversations are no longer arguments but soft words of how we miss each other. It was strange how physical distance created emotional closeness. And this moment in our lives was the first time I heard her say, “Te amo.” And she did not just say it once, she said it over and over and over again. My eyes tearing and stomach with butterflies I say, “Te amo.” I noticed my hand on my heart as if I was trying to hold on to the very beat that heard the voice of my mom say that she loved me. I was no longer on sporicidal. Every cell became a spore and I was a new individual.
My mother’s intentions to love me were always there. There is no doubt about that, but I could not bring myself to believe it without hearing her say it first. After 19 years, I heard her say it, I remember and will always remember her saying it. The words “te amo” was part of my healing process for my wound.
Now, my life has a purpose because I have verified that my parents love me, I feel important and valuable again. Of course I should have known that based on their actions of always providing for me, making sure I had everything I ever needed, pushing me to do better in school, etc. But words have meaning. And I didn’t see anything wrong with them telling me that they loved me if they felt that way.
When thinking about intentions it is important to remember how they are reflected to others through your actions. It is important to understand how intentions could affect a person if they are not communicated well and the wounds that could be left as a result. The best thing to do is say your intentions and verify them through actions because intentions do not matter where actions cannot speak.
Words have meaning.
Jamerly De La Cruz is a future educator, present blogger, and a midway fashionista. She loves learning about children as well as learning about different cultures. That is why she is majoring in Education and Anthropology. Her dream is to travel the world and document other culture’s perspectives and policies of education, particularly focusing on “underdeveloped” areas. In her spare time, she loves planning events and has planned two fashion shows and too many dinners and parties to count. Her hope is to be able to blog for the rest of her life for various bloggers and magazines on her experiences. Until then, she is taking one step at a time with a pen in her hand and a foot halfway out the door.
Written for Walking With Intention. If you’d like to be a part of the challenge, find more info here: Walking With Intention. But first, leave a comment and let Jamerly know how you feel about what she said, and be sure to visit her over at Naked when you’re done.
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