Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am large…I contain multitudes.

I am large. I have expanded past the bone structure nature intended. Endomorphic and engorged I have taken up more space than I am deemed worthy of…than I have deemed myself worthy of.

While my self-control is judged lacking by those outside of me, in reality I restrain more of my own being than those that don’t overflow their foundations.

Conscious of the fact that I require more space, I try to reduce my footprint; reduce my emotional weight on those I rely upon. If I am self-sufficient in all ways then perhaps they won’t hate me. Perhaps they’ll love me.

God only knows that I don’t love myself.

And if I can keep them from understanding that these layers I carry are simply a barrier between my sensitivity and their insensitive natures, then perhaps they won’t find me so awful after all. The larger my hide, the thicker my proverbial skin…right?

As a woman I have tried to embrace curves, embody female. I have walked wounded through parking lots of men swearing at me “fat fucking whore” in the middle of the night, and seen the judgement in their eyes.

When I acknowledge my own size to other women they deny it to my face, superficially friendly and almost complimentary…and I am left wondering if I must deny all parts of me, as they seem to.

So embracing what I am, embodying the positive in me seems to be an impossibility. Somehow my physical nature has overshadowed my personality – it looms insurmountable in my mind.

And in the moments that I panic, wondering if I can ever rid myself of this excess, I reflect upon the fact that I don’t trust the universe to provide for me, and so I have taken it into my own hands to provide for myself in all situations.

Potential deprivations that I have no need to protect myself against.

This isolating irony has sprung out of a fear that I will be alone…that the only way to overcome such solitude is to present myself as self-sufficient and therefore love-able. Choosing always to reject before being rejected.

I walk a path alone, watching my deepening footsteps trail away from the community that I was raised into because I don’t know how to trust.

14 Comments

  1. As always, raw and unfiltered. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. I have already told my feelings about all these things to you so I won’t repeat them here, but it is a truth that you are not really alone, except in the way that we are all really alone. I’m sure that many will get the satisfaction of seeing that they themselves are not alone by reading that you are going through the same things that they are.

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  2. This is such a profound and intimate look into your world. I feel honored that you shared yourself at this level with me and the other Seekers Dungeon readers. I believe it is this type of sharing that is needed to create change in the world. Thank you. May I reblog your post?

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  3. Wow Faith!

    Hello…I’m Mark 🙂

    Taken together these layers do contradict, but in an alternate weave. This is very nicely done…you seem to be savoring your size by examining it so well…not in that “embrace your curves way” – more in a “here I am way.”

    Much of this speaks to me, I’d like to hear more from the multitude on how you buffer from insensitivity (but seem to invite it all the more) and how you might be trusting the universe to be untrustworthy….

    Cheers,
    Mark

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thankyou for your honesty Faith. I used to feel like you but then I found out that the creator of the Universe and everything actually loves me regardless of how I perceived myself. It makes such a difference. He loves you too.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. “And in the moments that I panic, wondering if I can ever rid myself of this excess, I reflect upon the fact that I don’t trust the universe to provide for me, and so I have taken it into my own hands to provide for myself in all situations.” Beautifully written…and, as an astrologer, these sentiments scream Black Moon Lilith in Taurus to me. Thank you for sharing so eloquently – despite yourself, your Divinity shines bright. ❤

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  6. So eloquent… so beautiful… so bare. I love this piece for so many reasons. The underlying “elephant in the room” takes on different meanings for each of us, I believe. Before I even realized the emphasis regarding weight in this piece, I felt like you were describing me. That’s how relatable this piece is, especially for women. There are the pressures we put on ourselves, the pressures others put on us, and then the perceived pressures that have become ingrained in societal “norms.” All this restricts the ability to freely and completely love oneself and others. You know you are incredible. You know you are formidable. You know you are a creative force and compelling being. And yet, the world treats you as less than, and leaves you wounded. I pray your writing is a means for uplifting your spirit and keeping your head and heart above the hurtful noise. I pray you feel the embrace and love that exists in this space for you. I can’t advise you in any way regarding trust or not being too self-sufficient or rejecting before being rejected… I’m in that same boat, sister. But I do have faith in my divinity, and that it will continuously evolve my being, my circumstance, and how I relate to the world. Have faith that yours will too. ❤

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