Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself. I am large…I contain multitudes.
I am large. I have expanded past the bone structure nature intended. Endomorphic and engorged I have taken up more space than I am deemed worthy of…than I have deemed myself worthy of.
While my self-control is judged lacking by those outside of me, in reality I restrain more of my own being than those that don’t overflow their foundations.
Conscious of the fact that I require more space, I try to reduce my footprint; reduce my emotional weight on those I rely upon. If I am self-sufficient in all ways then perhaps they won’t hate me. Perhaps they’ll love me.
God only knows that I don’t love myself.
And if I can keep them from understanding that these layers I carry are simply a barrier between my sensitivity and their insensitive natures, then perhaps they won’t find me so awful after all. The larger my hide, the thicker my proverbial skin…right?
As a woman I have tried to embrace curves, embody female. I have walked wounded through parking lots of men swearing at me “fat fucking whore” in the middle of the night, and seen the judgement in their eyes.
When I acknowledge my own size to other women they deny it to my face, superficially friendly and almost complimentary…and I am left wondering if I must deny all parts of me, as they seem to.
So embracing what I am, embodying the positive in me seems to be an impossibility. Somehow my physical nature has overshadowed my personality – it looms insurmountable in my mind.
And in the moments that I panic, wondering if I can ever rid myself of this excess, I reflect upon the fact that I don’t trust the universe to provide for me, and so I have taken it into my own hands to provide for myself in all situations.
Potential deprivations that I have no need to protect myself against.
This isolating irony has sprung out of a fear that I will be alone…that the only way to overcome such solitude is to present myself as self-sufficient and therefore love-able. Choosing always to reject before being rejected.
I walk a path alone, watching my deepening footsteps trail away from the community that I was raised into because I don’t know how to trust.