Into the Depths
by Chitanand Nass
The more I chase happiness the more it eludes me
Why is something so intrinsically, so intimately a part of us, so hard to grasp and feel?
– like trying to grab water with bare hands –
only fleeting moments nudge us along this endless search, sludging through the sorrow, plowing through the pain
When will we be free?
this great promise of eternal bliss feels like a carrot on a stick and I don’t have an appetite anymore
I’m done with all this bullshit, all this grasping, wondering, running, fleeting, confusion, illusion
When will it all just stop?
When can we just be at peace?
there’s a rock in my throat and my heart feels suffocated, I feel enslaved by my emotions, desire, fear and sorrow drag me around like a rag doll,
weathered and worn, I come crawling back to you in this wretched state, you let me drink from your wellspring of eternal nectar, transforming that seemingly immovable mountain of pain to a wave of bliss that only too soon comes crashing back down onto the banks of reality, washing me up on those unforgettable rocky shores
– endless unrelenting cycle –
Im stuck on your evil carousal trying to hold onto a sliver of faith that the conductor is not totally mad, that she hasn’t forgotten about us spinning and spinning on this wild ride
– when will there be rest for the restless?
I tried to pretend I was happy through the darkness, but now I have slowly surrendered to her clutches, pulling me deeper into the depths of sorrow,
somehow allowing myself to fall deeper into this feels right, like the only way out is through it, to feel it completely, to be burned, churned, molded, transformed in the depths of pain and suffering.
Seeking to walk, run, or skip through this life, while causing as little harm as possible. If I can make people laugh along the way, well that’s cool too.
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