I Woke and Felt the Fell of Dark
In the words of T.S Eliot; “I said to my soul, be still, and wait … so the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”
That is precisely how I stumbled into the light from a long path of darkness. Let me begin by asking you a simple question: Do we ever really know a person?
I have the tendency to attract trouble, to be stuck in mind numbingly sticky situations that deprive me of better judgement. In the past few months I have had a lot of time to think my mistakes through. I have learned that there is no point in punishing yourself for trusting people easily. We tend to see others as we would want them to see ourselves. On that note, let us go back to the very beginning:
During the month of October, my heart was in the depths of despair. I just couldn’t seem to understand why despite numerous efforts I was unable to get past the icy exterior of a certain individual who for reasons unfathomable enjoyed disintegrating my mind and playing with my emotions.
Why does he take so long to reply to my text messages? Why won’t he let me call? Have I done something to upset him? Has he found someone else? Is he even interested in me anymore? These are just a few of the questions that run through a girl’s mind.
Let’s get one thing straight: there is no such thing as out of sight, out of mind when it comes to love. When love exists between two people there is an undeniable urge to make time for each other even if it’s just a text saying, ‘I am busy right now but can’t wait to see you in the evening.’
It’s infuriating when I recall the days, weeks and months I’d spent convincing myself that the other is simply too preoccupied with problems to get in a moment’s time to check his messages. Little did I know that there was more to the story than met the eye.
October, when Poets dream, lament and sing
Give me discomfort
as heather passing from bloom
to softened mud and appealing sun.
Give me lifelong woe for loving someone
who like autumn wanders abroad
negligent of years
and time that has passed.
I cannot forget roseate blush,
nor let go of memories sweet
and trials thrawn.
Can you feel the weight of centuries
shouldered upon flailing arms?
Can you feel wisps of desire
tearing apart from gossamer clouds?
I am twilight awaiting stars
of stormy blue and brooding night,
this heart of mine will live on
to endure the rough caress of life;
like a kiss stolen
from a slumbering rosebud.
My scars are invisible
unable to pinpoint cause of trouble,
tossed around by blustery wind,
as though unwilling to lose control
over a strong,
and imperishable mind.
As time went by, I received a call from a dear friend of mine who during conversation disclosed several instances that caused the world to shatter before my very eyes. It was then that I drowned into misery, heartbreak and despair and later fell into the arms of denial.
Why do we lie? What purpose do we wish to achieve by breaking someone’s trust? Would the world be a better place if people chose to remain honest no matter what the circumstances?
I remember lying awake night after night cursing my fate, it was impossible for me to understand as to why he would lie about an insignificant thing such as age. And if he could lie once who was there to say he didn’t lie about everything else? And just like that the events of the past several years came flooding into my mind. Instances when he would avert his eyes or smile his way out of a situation. Moreover, the mere idea of keeping the relationship secret topped the list.
As the saying goes, “nothing good happens after 2am,” but in my case it was the best decision I’d ever made. I decided to confront him unaware of the horrors that were waiting for me just around the corner.
I texted him with a simple question, “If you found out that someone lied to you, would you forgive him?” to which his reply came moments later, “Depends.”
The conversation that followed ripped my heart into a million pieces. Instead of apologizing for what he had done he very cleverly diverted the topic to that of my own, claiming that he’d seen and heard various unspeakable things related to my own being. And I just as anyone at that moment would react, stuttered with disbelief and cried in vain.
I know what you are thinking yes, the man is despicable! In fact, I wouldn’t even call him one for men no matter how diverse in temperament and nature than us would never dream of doing such a thing and of stooping to this level.
Now the winter nights dispense
There is a silence to my soul
led on by a brutal loneliness, as though a peach pitted
and left outside to rot
perhaps if dismal dawn is kind,
I shall refuse to be a part of your life,
you haunting me
is like walking in the shadows
and I have had enough.
come break my heart and make it whole again
there are more important things than love
dying in first light,
there are Poets strolling through unvarying flood,
would that there blow a fragrant wind
and declutter the world filled with grief.
There is a peculiar kind of beauty
that can only be experienced when we have risen
from the ashes
like a prayer darting back and forth
when it hears one call out its name,
I have given up despair
muffled the moans of past
with fire raging inside apocalyptic breast,
I have left remnants of woe stranded across the street.
Twilight comes sooner than expected,
and slowly the view changes
becomes a thing of red,
silhouetted against the darkening sky
and usher objective into the hollow.
Within a month I was a changed person though pain and heartbreak followed me wherever I went, I brushed them aside and went about my life with day to day activities. Yes, it hurts but I simply couldn’t allow myself to wallow in the pit of despair for very long, I am a Poet after all.
Being human we tend to blame ourselves for everything wrong that occurs in our lives. But take a moment and see things from my young and humble perspective: would you be the person you are today had you not stumbled into the dark from time to time?
It’s funny but now that I am slowly rising to the surface and stepping into the light, I can’t help but thank the bastard for drowning me in the first place. Had I not met him I would have never appreciated the people who came into my life shortly afterwards.
On the gateway of the temple
Here I stand
unsure of what lies ahead
lets me savor the moment, for it comes to me
wild and impetuous
as the desert is punctuated by long
and shadowy silhouettes of rose, tumbleweed and cactus.
The human heart is a temple
where bluish thoughts swirl with monochrome pulse waves
hear its affirmation,
its faith as real as water, as sand and as stars in the sky,
yet I dare not move
I don’t even breathe, I am frozen to the spot
my heartbeat echoes in my ears,
a grave reminder of my own impermanence
my madeira mortality,
because like you
I too am skeptical of its ideas, its jarring philosophy
and belligerent attitude.
Still, the heart is gospel
if the pressures of life are gaining upon you
and roam the corridors of the sacred temple.
Believe that a soulful person is not overly influenced
by external factors
and no matter how implacable the norms and values
builds his own way for personal growth and progression.
Darkness is not the absence of hope, it isn’t a path where we burn and allow woe to become deep-seated into our hearts and minds; rather it’s when we decide we aren’t worth stepping into the light.
Before leaving, I would like to urge all of you out there to believe in yourselves. Believe that you are worthy of love, of respect and capable of achieving even the most impossible of goals and dreams. Under no circumstances allow anyone to set you on the path to self-deprecation because those who relish in seeing you fall are never truly your friends.
And most importantly, to each and every one of you who desire and dream of love, remember that the person meant for you will love, respect and appreciate you for who you are. They will see you as though you have got stars in your eyes. As Marianne Williamson wisely states:
“Light is to darkness what love is to fear; in the presence of one the other disappears.”
May our endeavors lead us to helping others discover the light, fulfilling our destiny and accomplishing everything that we have ever dreamed about.
If you ask me what I came to do in this universe, I as a Poet will answer you: I am here to write. A Dash of Sunny is a creative outlet for Sanaa, who possesses a deep love and inclination towards Poetry and Literature. Poetry is her calling, it chose her and is the reason behind the person she is today.
It’s necessary for one to become hurt, to be betrayed and to spend a considerable amount of time alone to truly be practical, to reflect to recognize self and survive; her soul is a river flowing regardless of the obstacles in between. She is a dreamer and dreams of publishing several books in the time to come.
Written for the From Darkness to Light event. If you’d like to be a part of the challenge, find more information Here. But first, leave a comment and let Sanaa know what you think about her words, and be sure to visit her over at A Dash of Sunny when you’re done.